Bar Jokes
DRUNK
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously
drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool
and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender
politely informs the man that it appears he has already had
plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional
liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front
door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the
side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers
for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely
if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for
a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,
all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender
comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk
and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can
either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless
anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I
bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye."
The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone
do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites
it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the
man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says,
"I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye."
Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I
just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So
he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender
pays him his money and he walks away.
Three guys were talking in the local fun bar. The manager
was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around
that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the
lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more
drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers,
weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one
day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses
came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it
was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so
he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done
he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed
out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over
the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that
has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter,
what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for
the IRS."
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy
came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your
IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make
conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man
listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot
started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A
third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot
asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The
robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?"
Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a
midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar!
"Oh my god its the pope " they all say at once "the midget
says to the guys 'That's it I'm going ask him." So he walks
up to the Pope and asks "Sir, are there midget nuns in
America?", "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there midget
nuns in the entire world?" "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are
there even such things as midget nuns?" "No, no, no." says
the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, "Joe screwed a
penguin, Joe screwed a penguin..."
|
