General Jokes

Humor: More Bumper Stickers

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks - God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It. Wanted It. Had A Fit. Got It!
Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals
Keep Honking – I’m re-loading!

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the general manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. The owner decided to have some general fun and said, "I've got good news and bad news." "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."