Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Signs You are Addicted to the Internet

1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

1. You know, I don't remember studying this in med school.
   
2. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
4. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
7. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
9. There go the lights again?
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

1. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
2. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
3. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
4. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
5. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
6. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
7. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
8. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
9. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
10. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.